First let me say that I can not take complete credit for this idea, Fred put me up to it so yinz could have a little Sunday morning levity.
Having recognized that the country is calling on me to restore order and common sense, and that my election as dictator is the last hope of Western Civilization, I hereby throw my sweaty golf hat into the ring. Below is a compact summary of the wise and forward-looking policies which will characterize my reign.
Social Policy: On the day of my coronation, I will undertake a sweeping reform of society, beginning with radical feminists. We will hunt them with dogs. I will save a few and chain them in the Great Dismal Swamp, where they will poison the mosquitoes, allowing civilized people to catch catfish in comfort. I will revive horsewhipping. This meritorious form of social encouragement will be applied liberally to anyone who says “microaggression,” “gendered,” “people of color,” “homophobe,” “trans-anything,” or “racism.” The ensuing silence will allow contemplation and reflection on higher things.
Erotic curiosities: I will persecute all sexual minorities I hear about. I don’t care what they do or with whom or what they do it: consenting sheep, each other, furniture, in groups, clusters, circles, with whips and chains, vacuum cleaners, involving any orifice known or to be discovered—as long as they shut up about it and do it where I don’t have to see it.
Education: After a week’s grace period—I am inherently moderate—membership in a teachers’ union will be a felony. There will be a death penalty to anyone prescribing Ritalin to the underaged; this will be carried out by starving army ants trained by the CIA in advanced interrogation techniques.
As for higher education, it will actually be higher. To begin with, all applicants to college will be required to go through Marine Corps boot camp, reconstituted to the standards of 1965. This will work miracles. Our pansified little darlings will then know what trouble is and not go all limp over Microaggressions.
College graduates will be tested to see whether they can write an essay of fifty words with fewer than thirty gross grammatical errors and forty misspellings. They will also be required to find the Pacific Ocean on a map of the Hawaiian Islands. Math majors will have to demonstrate that they can count to five hundred. Failure will result in confiscation of cell phones until the deficit is rectified. This should spark an academic renaissance bordering on hysteria.
Racial policy: I will not have one. I will judge people without regard to race, color, creed, or national origin, except Moslems, who are nothing but trouble everywhere. Yes, I will judge all by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Looters will actually be arrested or, more inspirationally, shot. This will probably triple the prison population, which I will offshore to Guatemala.
I will end racially discriminatory polices like affirmative action on the principle that if you are good enough, you don’t need it, and if you need it, you aren’t good enough, and thus a parasite. If being required to be able to read to graduate from college disproportionately affects some people, then they can damned well disproportionately learn to read.
Journalism. I will have the staff of National Review chained to their counterparts at Salon, and dropped into the remote Pacific after being doused in shark attractant. All the racially prissy, narcissistic bonbons at the Washington Post will spend a year in a bad section of Newark. Their children, if any, will attend local schools. I don’t care what they conclude — Left, Right or, barely conceivably, intelligent. I am just, from the goodness of my heart, trying to give them the background for informed commentary.
Foreign policy: Each year the mothers of the graduating class at Harvard will be strapped to the undercarriage of forward-deployed Black Hawk helicopters. This should reduce the martial enthusiasms of the influential but useless classes. The mothers will be fed while strapped, though — I don’t want to seem unreasonable.
Congress. After three terms in the House, or one in the Senate, the incumbents will be taken out and shot. This is no more than term limits, and will ensure that only those serious about serving the country will run for office. The rest will run from it.
I await the plaudits of a grateful nation.
You want to elect this? You gotta be kidding. She probably went to high school with Archaeopteryx, which was better looking.
Having recognized that the country is calling on me to restore order and common sense, and that my election as dictator is the last hope of Western Civilization, I hereby throw my sweaty golf hat into the ring. Below is a compact summary of the wise and forward-looking policies which will characterize my reign.
Social Policy: On the day of my coronation, I will undertake a sweeping reform of society, beginning with radical feminists. We will hunt them with dogs. I will save a few and chain them in the Great Dismal Swamp, where they will poison the mosquitoes, allowing civilized people to catch catfish in comfort. I will revive horsewhipping. This meritorious form of social encouragement will be applied liberally to anyone who says “microaggression,” “gendered,” “people of color,” “homophobe,” “trans-anything,” or “racism.” The ensuing silence will allow contemplation and reflection on higher things.
Erotic curiosities: I will persecute all sexual minorities I hear about. I don’t care what they do or with whom or what they do it: consenting sheep, each other, furniture, in groups, clusters, circles, with whips and chains, vacuum cleaners, involving any orifice known or to be discovered—as long as they shut up about it and do it where I don’t have to see it.
Education: After a week’s grace period—I am inherently moderate—membership in a teachers’ union will be a felony. There will be a death penalty to anyone prescribing Ritalin to the underaged; this will be carried out by starving army ants trained by the CIA in advanced interrogation techniques.
As for higher education, it will actually be higher. To begin with, all applicants to college will be required to go through Marine Corps boot camp, reconstituted to the standards of 1965. This will work miracles. Our pansified little darlings will then know what trouble is and not go all limp over Microaggressions.
College graduates will be tested to see whether they can write an essay of fifty words with fewer than thirty gross grammatical errors and forty misspellings. They will also be required to find the Pacific Ocean on a map of the Hawaiian Islands. Math majors will have to demonstrate that they can count to five hundred. Failure will result in confiscation of cell phones until the deficit is rectified. This should spark an academic renaissance bordering on hysteria.
Racial policy: I will not have one. I will judge people without regard to race, color, creed, or national origin, except Moslems, who are nothing but trouble everywhere. Yes, I will judge all by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Looters will actually be arrested or, more inspirationally, shot. This will probably triple the prison population, which I will offshore to Guatemala.
I will end racially discriminatory polices like affirmative action on the principle that if you are good enough, you don’t need it, and if you need it, you aren’t good enough, and thus a parasite. If being required to be able to read to graduate from college disproportionately affects some people, then they can damned well disproportionately learn to read.
Journalism. I will have the staff of National Review chained to their counterparts at Salon, and dropped into the remote Pacific after being doused in shark attractant. All the racially prissy, narcissistic bonbons at the Washington Post will spend a year in a bad section of Newark. Their children, if any, will attend local schools. I don’t care what they conclude — Left, Right or, barely conceivably, intelligent. I am just, from the goodness of my heart, trying to give them the background for informed commentary.
Foreign policy: Each year the mothers of the graduating class at Harvard will be strapped to the undercarriage of forward-deployed Black Hawk helicopters. This should reduce the martial enthusiasms of the influential but useless classes. The mothers will be fed while strapped, though — I don’t want to seem unreasonable.
Congress. After three terms in the House, or one in the Senate, the incumbents will be taken out and shot. This is no more than term limits, and will ensure that only those serious about serving the country will run for office. The rest will run from it.
I await the plaudits of a grateful nation.
You want to elect this? You gotta be kidding. She probably went to high school with Archaeopteryx, which was better looking.