Two can play that:
CONservative speak 101
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Environment: large, geographical area provided by God for the flowering of Corporate/Industrial Manifest Destiny
Truth: (archaic) oratorical device practiced by ancient speakers; does not utilize perceived realities or situational opportunities; ineffective
Constituent: found in five varieties, three figures to seven figures; ranked as post card, phone call, lunch, spa spree, and Daddy
Marital Fidelity: spousal sexual commitment; optional after elected
CEO: advises you; walks on water, excretes gold, kills by staring
Public Policy: lots of boring words lobbyists give you; no pictures
Bill: what you don’t worry about anymore after you get elected
Caucus: like Sunday School; you have to sit still and just listen
Lobbyist: Comes more often than CEO; talks like Darth Vader; scary
State Government: a place to nullify stupid federal laws and get rid of that goofy old Constitutional stuff
Rural Vote: honey
Urban Vote: hemlock
Primary Election: like getting into a frat; if you don’t do the right thing, you don’t even get to wear the funny hat on election day
Legislative Office Secretary: opportunity
Gay Behavior: what other boys do together even when they’re not on a fishing trip; preferred to Lesbian behavior
Racism: bad attitudes ethnic groups have toward white men
Public Schools: Democratic scheme to suck money out of the pockets of rich people and prevent poor kids from working to keep their parents off welfare
Private School: where your kids should go
Union: international terrorist organization; made up of people who expect to tell the employer who hired them what they should be paid; spreads terrorism by giving money to Democratic candidates
Constitution: home of the Second Amendment (Bang!) and lots of other words old men wrote two-hundred years ago and that Democrats can’t get over and keep talking about
Tea Party: toy soldiers of the Koch Brothers; their little guns sting
Immigrants: foreigners who won’t go back to where they came from;* make employers look bad by working for low wages; vote wrong
Democrats: left over from back in the day when Communists, Socialists, Nazis, and other pinkos infiltrated into our country to eat our children, steal our women, and turn the rest of us into Zombies
Abraham Lincoln: a guy who must have been drunk when he let all those blacks out; nothing’s been the same ever since
Foreign Policy: deporting immigrants back to where they came from and taking oil from countries with deserts that don’t need it
Health Care: arcane branch of medicine only understood by insurance company cost/benefit analysts who authorize it for those deserving Americans least likely to need and use it
British Tories: Founding Fathers of the “Conservative Republican” movement; iconic sycophants who narrowly missed making the world* safe for kings in 1776
Ayn Rand: Founding Mistress of the Movement; highly intelligent thinker unhampered by traditional moral development; makes it all well with fantasy novels when reality threatens corporate greed
Base: voters who believe whatever you say, no matter how silly it makes them look
Family Values: the “Ossie and Harriet” strategy; talk about splash pools, family singing, and campfires a lot; gets votes of some people who think you’re better than they are
Lying: essential self-protection device; prevents people from knowing who you really are; do it a lot; next best thing to money
White Men With Money: “The Chosen,” with whom God intended to populate the private clubs of earth; the more of them you know, the better off you are; have a large gun case on your office wall and be well-stocked with booze, beef, broads and bad ethnic jokes
War: preemptive strikes on defenseless countries; support for it makes you seem strong to weak thinkers; arms dealers will love you for it and pay you well; (caveat:* don’t go to funerals of dead soldiers)
President(1): If he’s not yours, he’s a fanged, blood-dripping, alien savage transported here by time machine to destroy the planet earth with Social Security, Medicare, Unions, Taxes, Peace, Love, and basketball
President(2): If he’s yours, he’s lovably loony and does what he’s told; will have to get books for his Presidential Library at yard sales
The Corporation: The most important person you will ever know…including your family; high-strung and demanding; sociopathic; you can’t marry a corporation, but it can still **** you
Pro-Life Policy: enlightened commitment to engender life in fallopian tubes and uteri at any cost; does not include feeding starving children or providing life-saving health care for humans found outside the uterus
Laws: good laws are important rules for disciplining Democrats and other perverts; bad laws abuse corporations, make a free people pay for other people’s things, and let too many people vote
Traditional Republican: a Republican from your grandparent’s time; if any are still alive in your family be tolerant of their quaint criticisms; remind them that they opposed Social Security and Medicare, too, before they were on them
Patriot: politician who volunteers for the important job of convincing other Americans to fight our wars; isn’t distracted by choosing military service for himself; remember, without the dedicated work of our Republican Chicken Hawks, military morale would be very low; see Selective Service record and biography of Dick Cheney for details
Draft Dodger: cowardly hippie who fled to Canada because he didn’t understand, believe in, or support the American War in Viet Nam
Compulsory Military Service (Draft): a bad idea; would make Republican kids fight in wars their parents start; immigrants and the unemployed can do that in a “volunteer” army
Compromise: something Democrats do because they want to be loved;* “to compromise” is to be weak; example: the real mother was weak…she should have let Solomon cut the baby in half instead of compromising
Magic: (in politics); the invisible hand that creates roads, bridges, airports, police forces, armies, all government services and the entire infrastructure of a country without using taxes; BEWARE: atheistic Democrats will try to talk you out of your god-given belief in magic
Teachers: incompetent child-care workers who think teaching calculus to 150 kids a day is hard enough to expect to be paid more than minimum wage for it; don’t pay attention to their whining; anybody who ever went to school can be a teacher
Same-Sex Marriage: a Democrat strategy to spread moral decay throughout Heterosexual America by destroying traditional marriage; will cause infidelity and divorce in your own marriage and make your kids move to San Francisco to be homosexuals
Supreme Court: (the George W. Bush Re-Appointment Court); five nifty “Conservative Republican” guys and four activist bozos; a strong ally in our effort to “Take Back America,” back, say, to 1850
Government Regulation: bedroom rules thoughtfully designed by Republican men to define for other people the proper use of penises,* vaginas, other human orifices, and uteri; BEWARE: Democrats will try to misuse regulation to threaten and attack Corporations, Developers, money manipulators, Wall Street and other innocent good citizens.
Revenue: a trick word Democrats use when they mean taxes; a “Revenue Problem” occurs when Democrats create a surplus by taxation so that we have to pay our bills; to get painless money, borrow from China to pay for legitimate government expenses, e.g. gratuitous war and oil company subsidies; your kids can deal with the bill collectors
Middle Class: Americans whose incomes are between 250K and a million; these are people you love; treat them well; everyone below that income level is an illegal immigrant or a welfare cheat out to get you
Oil: What you will drink from the communion cup when you die and sit in heaven at the right hand of God; sweet.